It took until March for my mother’s bruises to go away. When the phone rang at my brother’s home on Saturday, January 5th, his cheerful "hello" was cut short with "your mother has fallen, do you want us to call an ambulance?". The nurse on duty at the assisted living facility where mom was living for the last year was calling. Mom walked with aid of a walker into the emergency room and conversed during the five-hour ordeal of being diagnosed with a broken nose and contusions. After 5 days in the hospital, she was delivered to my house on a stretcher. Her limp, incontinent body was unable to speak, incapable of standing even with help, and had to be fed. I wasn’t clear whether she knew who I was, or not.

The next two weeks were fraught with tension. I fed her fresh, organic pureed vegetables and fruits, purified water and liquid vitamins. I gave her Pranic Healing Treatments*, and organized home health care visits. Within less than 10 days she was talking, eating by herself and walking with assistance. It became obvious that she required 24/7 personal care. Now what?

My brother and I realized that medical and nursing home care for our 83-year-old
mother was not only agonizingly expensive but also worthless in providing her with a reasonable quality of life. By February 1st we had created a plan of action and began implementing it. We visited with an Elder Law Attorney, marshaled my mom’s assets, bought her a home and moved her in. I moved in too. I had just become a "primary
care giver".

Medical care for my mother was dreadful. The medical doctor non-responsive, the doctor/hospital system so concerned about their liability and "risk management" that they ordered tests and more tests, drugs and more drugs. We needed something else. Acupuncture worked quite well. In addition, I found a geriatric physician who actually sat down with us for almost an hour, asked questions and discussed the entire situation. Without a bunch of "tests" and "procedures" he said: "… Your mother has moderate to severe dementia. There are drugs that can slow down the process. And, you must take care of yourself. I suggest you read the book Thirty-six Hour Day. …"

By the time the bruises on my mom’s face had faded, we had received a visit from an investigator from the Adult Protective Services of Florida DCF (Dept. of Children & Families). There is a "report of possible elder abuse" she said. It seems the bruises had sparked someone’s ire and the investigator was required "by law" to personally follow up on all allegations. I suggested to Grace that these "social services" might better serve the elder population by assisting those who undertake to care for others rather than prosecuting them. She agreed.

My life experience with my mother and the current day-to-day activities have opened my eyes to discoveries that are tremendously helpful to me, now. I’ve gleaned seven lessons from my mother, her dementia, and this experience. The seven lessons can be remembered by the acronym B_A_ D_ C_ A_ T_ S – which stands for Breathing, Attitude, Demons, Contemplation, Awareness, Teeth and Spine

1. "B" -- BREATHING: Diaphragmatic breathing, yogic breathing, deep breathing, singer’s breathing are terms describing how to breathe fully. The beauty of learning to breathe correctly is that one can reduce pain in the body, increase circulation and decrease blood pressure. One of my Stress Management Class participants told me "I learned how to breathe and all the fibromyalgia pain in my body went away."
My mother holds her breath when she attempts to move, such as sitting up on the edge of the bed, standing up with assistance from a seated position, and walking with a walker. When breathing "normally" she breathes with the upper part of her chest, rarely expanding her abdomen. I’ve been teaching her to breathe deeply and have found that (even though she returns to her old patterns) she can now take a "deep breath" and somewhat calm her now rigid, tense body. Breathing brings many other wonderful physical and emotional gifts, but suffice it to say that breathing is empowering. Try it!

1st Law: Breathe deeply

2. "A" -- ATTITUDE: What is your perspective on life? How do you view being here and living in your body? Do you love where you live? Do you feel that life is a gift, a joy or an adventure? Or, do you think life is tough, difficult and full of pain and suffering? If your true attitude about life is less than empowering – CHANGE YOUR MIND!

I’ve noticed that my mother lives in fear - Fear of being alone, fear of abandonment. She believes that life is suffering and sacrifice – that she can’t have what she wants, that she doesn’t deserve love. Maybe the cause is growing up in the depression, or her Polish heritage. Whatever the reason for this fear, it stands in the way of her being happy. I have seen terror in her eyes when she awakens and no one is within her line of sight. She has attempted to walk without help and fallen down because she forgets her caretaker has gone to the bathroom. When asked why she put herself in harms way, she says, "I’m afraid to be alone". No one can ever fill the Black Hole of fear for anyone else.

2nd Law: Ferret out your fears and vanquish them.

Try this affirmation:
There is one Power in this Universe and that Power is within me. I have the Power to create a life of joy, peace and harmony. I recognize my Power now and hereby state my Truth. I live in joy, peace, harmony and success. Anything to the contrary is banished from my thoughts. The Universe will work out the details of my joyful, peaceful, harmonious and successful life. And, so it is.

3. D" -- DEMONS : Deal with your psychological and emotional demons now or they may turn into demented demons from which there is no escape. Denying what is happening in life in order to avoid confronting painful beliefs or situations may be a contributing factor in Senile Dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. An acquaintance, Dr. Weinberg (Psychotherapist), conducted an informal survey, contacting approximately 200 families of Alzheimer or Dementia patients over a 5-year period. She asked them one question – "did your family member confront his/her problems or did he/she deny that the problem exists?" The overwhelming response was: Deny. It’s interesting to note that 90% of the patients are women.

I realize that my mother has often denied, "what is", if it didn’t fit what she wanted. I remember telling her about an incident of sexual abuse I experienced as a child. At first she said: "where was I?" then "we’ll talk about it when you get home". When I arrived from my west coast trip and attempted to broach the subject, she said, "you’re a liar, that never happened".

3rd Law: Deal with your internal demons.

4. "C" -- CONTEMPLATION: Develop a regular time and place for quiet time, meditation or some form of centeredness. Meditation is the best method of quieting the physiology and the mind. In meditation, scattered forces can be brought to a single point of concentration. When all energy (prana) is concentrated, we reach levels of consciousness that empower peace of mind, release of tension in the body, mental clarity, increased energy and vitality, deeper concentration and the ability to act calmly in all situations. I especially recommend this for ALL CAREGIVERS.

My mother’s body has become rigid. Her muscles are tensed even when she is sleeping. Physical therapy doesn’t help much. Massage therapy is helpful but she experiences so much pain in her body that even the lightest touch creates distress.Pranic healing, Reiki and other forms of energy work are quite helpful and she is very responsive. Her medical doctor has advised, "she is physically capable of walking, but her mental incapacity is affecting her gait". Had she developed the ability to focus her energy and control her mind, as is done in all forms of meditation, I question whether her condition would be as it is today.

4th Law: Concentrate – Focus your mind.

5. "A" -- AWARENESS: Know your body. Develop an awareness of what is going on in your body. Pay attention to what your body needs. Are you neglecting yourself of much needed sleep? Are you stressed or feeling muscle tension? Do you need a massage? Body awareness will provide the ability to sense or feel both the gross and subtle energies that are located within the body and emanate from the body. A minimal body awareness will allow you to feel muscle tension, or sluggish digestion. If you can feel your body, you can direct your body.

My mother has little body awareness. She will arise in fear and just fall over. Her leg
may be extended, but she doesn’t recognize it until it is brought to her attention. Parkinson’s disease has some of these same symptoms, but has been ruled out in my mother’s case. As I look back, I realize that she never paid much attention to her body. She rarely worked out, swam or exercised; and never played sports, received massages, took warm baths or whirlpools. It seems the Dementia has exacerbated her lack of body awareness.

5th Law: Become aware of your body today. You will need it in the future.

6. "T" -- TEETH: Keep your own teeth. For caregivers and people with physical infirmity, false teeth are difficult to handle. Changes occur in the physical jaw structure of people without their own teeth. The apparatus needs to be replaced which requires dental
work that can be very stressful and painful to the elder. In addition, the cost can be
quite considerable.

Sometimes my mother can’t get her upper dentures out of her mouth before going to bed. They loosen during the night and we have quite a search in the morning. The bottom plate has loosened so much that it flops out of her mouth while she is eating. If her dentures loosen when she is at day care (the Senior Center), the staff has a fit because "according to law" only a nurse can help her with her teeth. The last dentist she visited wanted to pull a couple teeth that are left and she just doesn’t have the stamina for such a procedure.

6th Law: take good care of your teeth.

7. "S" -- SPINE: Move, stretch, expand, elongate, twist and rotate your spine. There are numerous forms of exercise that will move the spine, including Pilates and other forms of yoga, dance, and martial arts. Elongation tables that allow one to stretch from the ankles, or for some – hanging upside down, are ways to move the spine. Some forms of massage, such as Tui Na, a Chinese art, are quite effective. "Spinal stenosis": this narrowing of the spine is a painful disease and the cause of that humped-over look we see in elders at the grocery store. An old lady pushing a cart around but unable to reach the top shelf, or the old man walking so bent over that his eyes are looking at the ground rather than straight ahead, is the typical look of the disease. Spinal stenosis is so common it may be reaching epidemic proportions in the US.

My mother was diagnosed with spinal stenosis and tried many different forms of medical treatment, short of surgery, including spinal injections. None worked. The commitment to stretching and exercise could have halted or reversed the disease, but it’s too late now.

7th Law: Move your spine.

Just remember B_A_D_ C_A_T_S – Breathing, Attitude, Demons, Contemplation, Awareness, Teeth and Spine - and you could move into the elder years full of vim
and vigor.

* a form of hands-on and long distance healing dealing with the energetic system of the body. Prana has three meanings: energy, life force and breath.

Constance d’Angelis is an attorney living in Sarasota, Florida. She has created a program for private legal consultations and groups such as non-profit organizations, corporations and church groups. The program is termed Loving Lawsuits and is an effective manner of shifting conflict to successful resolution, by determining where one is distracted from the integrity path. Mental energy is redirected to resolution through visualization, sound frequency shifts and affirmative intention. Constance calls upon her knowledge and ability as a practicing pranic and vibrational healer and licensed, nationally certified, massage therapist to engage the mind, body and soul in an enjoyable and empowering program that transforms conflict into success.
She can be reached at (941) 331-1363, P.O. Box 3433, Sarasota, FL 34230 or integritypath@comcast.net.